I have often been told how
strong I am to have had two babies in two deployments... and I don't think of it as being strong and often wonder why God has chosen that timing for us. Once again I was finding myself wondering why?
This last week was a life breaking, soul changing, time of renewal for me. Long story short I was struggling to make it day by day. There were a number of things that had seemed to accumulate on top of me and I was emotionally feeling buried and overwhelmed. Everything from having had Weston with Cole gone, finding out that we won't see Cole now until April, giving my all for weeks determined for breastfeeding to work this time... and then it didn't. Not to mention the daily things, lack of sleep... not having slept longer than 3-4 hours (if that) in months... and then the demand for patience and time management with an almost four year old and an infant. Needless to say I was letting it get the better of me as I strived to do it
all on my own.
About a week and a half ago the walls I had built came tumbling down as I found myself in the mall... searching for much needed new undergarments and had Weston leak out his diaper all over me. Once that was taken care of and I went to feed him only to find that my milk supply was completely gone (hormones kicking in in multiple ways) and then topped that off with a missed conversation opportunity with Cole. Needless to say the flood gates opened... and then I didn't know how to make them stop and how to rebuild my walls. I found myself wondering how on earth would I make it to April!?
And that was just it... as and earthly being... I wasn't going to make it... not on my own. I then heard a song I've heard numerous times before but hadn't really "heard" or listened to it. I found myself in tears by the end and in prayer. Prayer out loud in front of Sierra... causing questions... and then quiet. That was the start of a whole new week for us. A week full of laughter, less chaos, more compassion, contentment, and love. Then the opportunity to go spend a night in worship at a Chris Tomlin concert. I have really grown in my understanding and participation in the mass and get far more out of it than ever before, however I do so deeply miss to worship whole heartily with my hands held high and song after song. I had a dear friend volunteer to watch the kids (a blessing about bottles) and spent the night in song and prayer. Then even after an awful night's sleep God helped us to get up and going and make it to MOPS where I was once again filled by the speaker. He spoke about parenting and different temperaments and how to bring peace and joy into your home with parenting. I'm now trying to work time in each day to delve into his book and become a better mommy for Sierra now and Weston in the future. What a wonderful last week it has been. Looking forward to the coming week, the lessons it brings, and the blessings God has for us.
And for those of you that have never heard it here is the song that started it all off... "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. I encourage you to take a moment to listen to and read the song on this youtube video... what a great reminder it is =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ
I am NOT strong enough... but with God He is strong enough for the both of us!!!! I can do all things through Christ.... thank you Lord for knocking on my heart...